Religious Power Struggle

This is all of it put together... Wow... Yes, it is about people. No, I'm not telling you who... Hell, Heaven, Purgatory and Earth.

The crush is a relapse. It pulls you back when you try to let go, offering less and less comfort every time. But it keeps you from loneliness, anything that keeps you from loneliness, right? Until it offers no more comfort, until you can be lonely with him. I am lonely with him. I used to think we’d be able to conquer the world, but now I don’t want to face the world with him. I honestly just want him for a night, know what we could have been, then let go. Until then, I can’t let go, I can’t let go. I have never felt that way about someone before. I can’t let you go. You try to cut me loose, but it’s impossible. You question everything about me, pull me down to your level and I just want to be in the comfort of your arms. You drag me away from everything, and I am okay with life just being you. And that is so wrong, but it feels so right. Why do you have to feel so right? Let me go. I know you don’t control it and if you could, you wouldn’t even know me, but let me go, let me go. Let this churning in the pit of my stomach stop. Let me stop caring. Let me go, I was never yours and I never will be and I can’t accept that. I am trying to rip myself away from you, but my heart stays with you and I can’t live without the beat of my heart so it forces me to run back to you. I can’t live without you. You are where my heart is. And I know you can live without me and it’s not fair, it’s not fair that you can live without me while I am stuck in this cringing pain 88.3 miles away from you, barely holding on because I can’t survive without my heart. Try it sometime. Leave your heart with someone else and try to survive. How do you get your heart back without confrontation? I can’t get my heart back until you see it, turn it inside out, I don’t care if you break it, just notice it. Notice my heart, give it back, let me move on. Let me survive in this world without you.
And right when I think I can forget you, you remind me of your existence and say the words I need to hear, you always say the right thing, and the feeling in the pit of my stomach starts up again. Goosebumps surround my body, an extra shield that makes it harder for my heart to get back inside me. It just makes it easier for you to keep. Wish you weren’t so oblivious to it, but you are. Or maybe you aren’t, but you want to be. Maybe I’m not worth your time, maybe I am just fooling myself. Maybe you will never notice me in the way I want you to notice me. Maybe I am just wishing way too hard.
You bastard, you just stabbed my heart.
Conversations run in my head. I try to hold onto every last word between us. Why do I feel this way? I’m not supposed to feel this way. I’m not one to fall in love. I’m not one to fall in lust either. You contradict my morals. You contradict my religion. You contradict my faith. You contradict me. But I have never wanted someone more. Never craved someone more. Never needed someone more. I’m stuck wondering, how can this happen to me?
This must be a test of faith. Yes, that’s what it is. God is testing me to see how strong my strength in Him is. But for you, I would give Him up. I would give up the world, my hopes, my dreams. I would give up life for one night with you.
I want so badly to let go. But I can’t.
I’m a marionette. Lifeless. Being pulled back to you with strings. Telling people I no longer care. Watching my nose grow every time I tell myself I am over you. Let go of your hold over me. Cut the strings. Let me move on, grow up, grow old. Without you in my life.
You’re poison. Deathly. Cleaning out my insides of the good and filling them with toxins, until all that’s left of me is you.
No one else has ever made me feel so alive except for you. You have brought life back to me and pulled me closer to death all at the same time. And now that someone else is taking me away from you, it scares me. Another person is making me feel so alive and it’s so much better, yet so much scarier at the same time. To think that I am letting go of you completely and moving on into a possibility of a better life scares me.
For so long, I was immobile, not wanting to move, wanting to stay with you. You allowed room for mistakes, you were always there when I messed up and I never had to ask forgiveness from the things I did wrong. In fact, you pulled me into sin, making me feel more alive, dragging me closer to death. I don’t think that was the life I wanted.
I’m scared.
Looking at the new face and seeing the potential for good things to prosper, I am scared. I want to turn and run right back to you, but it isn’t right. It isn’t right. I am going to leave you so many miles away, escape the grip you have over me.
This light has captured me, pulled me into His arms, away from you. I want to be with you, but I am scared to be with you. I can’t be with you. I am with Him now. I walk in His light, breathe His air, let Him comfort me and guide me.
He is the way. He is the truth.
I don’t want to mess up because I will pay the price for my sins.
It turns out I am paying the price for my sins. I am drifting in this in-between area, this purgatory, where I am hanging by a thread. Noticed by someone in the middle as well, possibly also hanging. Someone who isn’t a deep connection, someone who is just here for a while, someone who is one year ahead of me in the payment of his sins, yet he still continues on in immoral ways. He is stagnant, bland, but, all the same, he is intriguing, like, I don’t want to let go. I want to stay. It’s safe. It doesn’t put me in a vulnerable place.
We are both sinners, lost in an act of repentance, drifters, emotionless, not knowing which way we want to go, not caring. Do we mess up? Or do we try to follow the light?
He notices me. It’s not like my act of following Him, or my act of clinging onto you. He notices me and I notice him. It’s safe. We are at a shallow state. He doesn’t have to know me, I don’t have to know him. Safety.
For one moment of my life, he saw me as normal. He saw me as the person I am, and not who everyone thinks I am. He saw me as real. Everyone thinks that I am a real person, but I am a fake, a phony. He saw me for who I am and I watched it click in his eyes.
I saw him for who he really was too.
We fumbled for words of explanation, but neither of us needed them. We were on the same page and it was comfortable.
We were no longer the petty, superficial fakes we both had been. We were real, scared, unmoving, not knowing where to go, who to turn to.
I think we both needed that moment, where life just clicked, where we realized we weren’t alone, and, the whole time, we just needed to look back at ourselves.
This isn’t the superficial real that you dragged me into and it’s not the comfort of the light nor is it being noticed by someone. It’s an actual connection. A real, emotional, physical connection.
This is what has been real the whole time.
Heaven. Hell. Purgatory.
Earth.
This is where I belong. It frightens me. But this is where I belong.
I don’t know why I didn’t see it, but it is so right.