Continuation of the Religious Power Struggle

Religious Power Struggle part 3

"Accepting the Truth"
No one else has ever made me feel so alive except for you. You have brought life back to me and pulled me closer to death all at the same time. And now that someone else is taking me away from you, it scares me. Another person is making me feel so alive and it’s so much better, yet so much scarier at the same time. To think that I am letting go of you completely and moving on into a possibility of a better life scares me.

For so long, I was immobile, not wanting to move, wanting to stay with you. You allowed room for mistakes, you were always there when I messed up and I never had to ask forgiveness from the things I did wrong. In fact, you pulled me into sin, making me feel more alive, dragging me closer to death. I don’t think that was the life I wanted.

I’m scared.

Looking at the new face and seeing the potential for good things to prosper, I am scared. I want to turn and run right back to you, but it isn’t right. It isn’t right. I am going to leave you so many miles away, escape the grip you have over me.

Religious Power Struggle Part 2

Part two of the religious power struggle. If you really want the story behind it, ask me sometime.
I actually wrote this before the "metaphorically speaking" part

This part is called "Confession"

Conversations run in my head. I try to hold onto every last word between us. Why do I feel this way? I’m not supposed to feel this way. I’m not one to fall in love. I’m not one to fall in lust either. You contradict my morals. You contradict my religion. You contradict my faith. You contradict me. But I have never wanted someone more. Never craved someone more. Never needed someone more. I’m stuck wondering, how can this happen to me?
This must be a test of faith. Yes, that’s what it is. God is testing me to see how strong my strength in Him is. But for you, I would give Him up. I would give up the world, my hopes, my dreams. I would give up life for one night with you.
I want so badly to let go. But I can’t.
I’m a marionette. Lifeless. Being pulled back to you with strings. Telling people I no longer care. Watching my nose grow every time I tell myself I am over you. Let go of your hold over me. Cut the strings. Let me move on, grow up, grow old. Without you in my life.
You’re poison. Deathly. Cleaning out my insides of the good and filling them with toxins, until all that’s left of me is you.

The Office (no, not the tv show)

This is loosely based on a true story. When I say loosely I mean loosely... I shouldn't even say that. maybe I should just say, based on emotions? what this is based on didn't even take place in an office. okay, storyline is partially true. I don't even know how to explain it.... wait, I did have a second period English class, one true thing. They all thought my name was Jill...? I guess that is better than Stephanie being, "wait, your name isn't DeLacy?"

This used to be part of a bigger story. This scene has been toyed around with soooo many times, and when I eventually found a working draft of the bigger story, this just didn't fit anymore... the girl in this story ends up not being the main character and she ends up being a biotch, who ends up going crazy and the guy ends up being a loser jerk. In the original, she was the cute little naive girl sitting in the office and he was the sweet as can be guy. No, how they ended up in the actual working draft is not how the people the characters are based on ended up in real life...

oh, religious power struggle part 2 is coming soon... and part 3...




The Office

It's kind of funny how immature high school kids actually are. Even the smart ones. Everyone always thought I was one of the more mature ones, when in reality, I was one of the most immature ones.

The day when this all starts is no exception to my immaturity. Mitch Cavanaugh, the (hot) office aide, came in to my chaotic second period English classto bring one of those notes that gets people out of class because they are in trouble. My entire class, being the extremely nosey kids that we were, all watched the teacher scan the name on the paper and stand up. We watched her every move, trying to figure out who she would be delivering it to before it was actually delivered.

She seemed to be walking towards Melissa (obviously, it had to be her. It has been rumoed that she was the one doing donuts on the baseball field) and the teacher shocked us all when she walked right by her.

So, then, the only other obvious suspect that was in Melissa's general section was Steven (the kid who always got caught smoking pot). But the teacher walked by him too.

The teacher got closer and closer to me until it became obvious that she was going to stop at my desk. I could feel my heart beating super fast as I tried to recall anything that I had ever done wrong. All I could think of was that Freshman year I had chewed gum in band, but I doubted that is what I could be getting into trouble for.

I figured the slip of paper could just be informing me of a fine that I had forgotten about or something. It all depended on the box on the paper. If it said, "at teacher's convenience," (which no one had ever actually seen that box checked) it meant that I wasn't in trouble, but if it said "at once," (which is the only box that I'd ever seen checked) it would mean I was in trouble.

She dropped the paper on my desk. The box that said, "at once," was checked. I was shaking. For a second, I thought the teacher just didn't know my name because I was the quiet kid in the back, but I glanced down at the paper and, sure enough, the name written on it was mine, Lexeigh Carter. I picked up my bags and started to head out of the classroom.

My heart pounded and I could feel tears forming as I left the classroom. What the hell had I done wrong?

I saw the office aide and I ran in an attempt to catch up with him.

"Mitch, do you know what this is in regards to?" I frantically asked.

"It probably means you did something wrong," he said, thinking. "But if you don't know what it is, I am sure it's no big deal. Probably something minor. Hey, don't I know you from somewhere? You look familiar."

"No, I don't think we have officially met, but I'm Lexeigh. I know you because you are the office aide and everyone knows the office aide." I consider sarcasm my strong point. Unfortuanately, people don't see me as a sarcastic person because I have that "serious look." I knew Mitch because I'd gone to school with him since kindergarten.

"Oh, ya, huh." It's really sad that he believed that people knew him solely because he was the office aide. "Well, Lexeigh, I am sure it's nothing. Don't freak out, it's okay."

We were now at the office. I glanced at the uncomfortable blue seats that were meant for the troublemakers to sit and wait in. These were the chairs me and Emma had named the "troublemaker seats," before vowing to never sit in them. Here goes that friendship down the drain.

There was one other kid in the "troublemaker seats." He had his hood pulled over his head, his sleeves over his hand, and his music was way too loud. But it was good music, Linkin Park's "Papercut."

I figured I might as well make conversation while I was here, so, I pulled out a piece of paper and wrote, "I like Linkin Park too," and passed it to this kid sitting next to me in the "troublemaker seats."

He read it and then looked up at me, took his hood off and smiled. It was a smile I will surely never forget. I can't even describe it, but it was amazing because it was genuine, which is rare to come by in this world anymore. I am not even going to deny it, I knew based on that smile that I had feelings for him and he hadn't even spoken yet.

He pushed up his sleeve and stuck out his hand to introduce himself. "Chase."

I shook his hand. "Lexeigh."

He handed me an earbud just in time for the song, "Numb," to come on, which just happens to be my favorite song.

We sat there just listening and enjoying the music until the principal came out of the office with a very stern look on her face and said, "Chase. My office now. Lose the ipod."

Hey took his other earbud out and handed me his ipod. "Here, Lex, hold onto it. It will just gaurantee that I have to see you again."

All I could say in that moment was, "Hey, the name is Lexeigh." I guess my manners left me when I sat in the troublemakers seats.

The counselor called me into his office. He explained that he was new and just wanted to introduce himself to all of the students he would possibly be working with. I asked him why he checked the "at once" box. He chuckled and said that it was completely by mistake. But I can't help but wonder: was it a mistake or was it fate?

Later, back in second period English, Steven asked me what I did wrong.

"Everything and nothing at the same time."

Metaphorically speaking - You Just Stabbed My Heart

The crush is a relapse. It pulls you back when you try to let go, offering less and less comfort every time. But it keeps you from loneliness, anything that keeps you from loneliness, right? Until it offers no more comfort, until you can be lonely with him. I am lonely with him. I used to think we’d be able to conquer the world, but now I don’t want to face the world with him. I honestly just want him for a night, know what we could have been, then let go. Until then, I can’t let go, I can’t let go. I have never felt that way about someone before. I can’t let you go. You try to cut me loose, but it’s impossible. You question everything about me, pull me down to your level and I just want to be in the comfort of your arms. You drag me away from everything, and I am okay with life just being you. And that is so wrong, but it feels so right. Why do you have to feel so right? Let me go. I know you don’t control it and if you could, you wouldn’t even know me, but let me go, let me go. Let this churning in the pit of my stomach stop. Let me stop caring. Let me go, I was never yours and I never will be and I can’t accept that. I am trying to rip myself away from you, but my heart stays with you and I can’t live without the beat of my heart so it forces me to run back to you. I can’t live without you. You are where my heart is. And I know you can live without me and it’s not fair, it’s not fair that you can live without me while I am stuck in this cringing pain miles away from you, barely holding on because I can’t survive without my heart. Try it sometime. Leave your heart with someone else and try to survive. How do you get your heart back without confrontation? I can’t get my heart back until you see it, turn it inside out, I don’t care if you break it, just notice it. Notice my heart, give it back, let me move on. Let me survive in this world without you.

And right when I think I can forget you, you remind me of your existence and say the words I need to hear, you always say the right thing, and the feeling in the pit of my stomach starts up again. Goosebumps surround my body, an extra shield that makes it harder for my heart to get back inside me. It just makes it easier for you to keep. Wish you weren’t so oblivious to it, but you are. Or maybe you aren’t, but you want to be. Maybe I’m not worth your time, maybe I am just fooling myself. Maybe you will never notice me in the way I want you to notice me. Maybe I am just wishing way too hard.

You bastard, you just stabbed my heart.



Okay, explanation: Basically an excercise from creative writing gone wrong... I didn't completely follow directions, there were supposed to be actual characters and not just emotions, but I loved what I wrote and have no idea what I could ever use it for, so, I thought I would share.
By the way, this isn't about a guy. It's about a power struggle of my faith, but it's kind of difficult to explain....